Men - Don't contact me or try to date me if you haven't read EVERY SINGLE WORD

I have been wanting to write this for months now.  I am increasingly getting contacted by men in a dating context on various social media platforms, but I have never met them.  They are strangers.  I use a dating app, and feel like I keep repeating my story over and over. There isn't enough room to say what I am looking for on an app anyway, and I don't want to direct strangers to my personal social media where I talk about my personal life and my family.  Thus, I am setting up this blog to explain more about myself without involving details about my life or family that could put me or them in danger.  Frankly, it's my guess that many of these men are looking for hookups or money.  JUST. NO. Don't waste my time or my emotional health.  I OWE YOU NOTHING. If you are honorable, and have good intentions, read this post. Otherwise, go away.

The first thing you should know about me is that I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, commonly referred to as the Mormons.  My spiritual beliefs are deep and true.  They are not going away.  I am not perfect by any definition, and I have days where I'm not sure I even qualify as "good", whatever that means.  I believe in Christ, he is my Savior.  I have a Heavenly Father, who loves me, and I am trying to understand and love Him better.  I feel the sweet whisperings of the Spirit in my heart and mind.  I am striving to become better, in teeny tiny steps every day.  I believe that every human who lives or who has ever lived is a literal spirit child of Heavenly Father, God, with a great eternal potential. ALL OF US have an eternal spirit, and some day we will return to our Father in heaven.  There will be a great reunion and an accounting, not just with our Creator but with many people who have gone before us. I have had many stages of my life where I was skittish and standoffish towards my Heavenly Father, not sure where I fit in, angry at some of my life's outcomes, and feeling as worthless and insignificant as a bug.  I'm not some sheltered, naive Pollyanna who has never struggled, who has never sinned, who has never hurt another human being, who has never made stupid choices, who has never screamed inside in frustration and bitterness.  But I am His daughter, and despite everything, my beliefs and testimony come back and I turn back towards my Father and my Savior.  That will always be true.  Don't waste your time trying to divert me from this path.  I am His daughter, but I am becoming one of his warriors, too. You have been warned.

What does this mean in the context of dating?  The most glaring problem I have run into is the issue of physical intimacy.  Let me be clear.  I have made sacred religious commitments, in a holy temple, of a higher level than simple baptism and church membership.  I have covenanted to keep the law of chastity, among other things.  There is no sex outside of marriage for me, because of the choices I have made and I am happy to have made them.  I do not feel repressed by some patriarchal man-made religion.  I believe God is real, and I have entered into a contract with Him to honor the sacred powers of pro-creation as he has asked.  I did this of my own free will and choice, and I am staying on this covenant path.

Have I always been faithful on this issue?  No. I was married for 27 years, and have now been legally divorced for two years, and the original separation was nearly three years ago.  Intimacy died months before that.  Without going into great detail, suffice it to say that I walked away from this marriage because I didn't want to be an emotional target any more.  Many times I was the scapegoat for stress and to a lesser extent watched my children be targets as well.  After 27 years, I always knew the emotional knife was coming, was constantly monitoring moods to be on the lookout for warning signs. It wasn't every day, but I was trained to watch for it and I got tired of living that way. I did not casually end that marriage.  We went through marriage counseling, the counsel of two bishops in my church, I saw several therapists on my own, and read lots of books and articles on marriage and emotional abuse. I made the decision to end my marriage according to my own best understanding.  I hope someday, probably at Judgement Day, I will receive a full and perfect understanding of what happened in my marriage, what I did, what he did, what we both didn't do but should have.  But for now, all I have is my best educated guesses and I will have to be content with my limited understanding.

When I came out of that marriage, I was desperately lonely, needing reassurance for my broken self-esteem and because of details I won't go into here, I had a difficult time setting boundaries when it came to physical intimacy. I had been making myself give physical intimacy for years in order to keep my household safer.  I was emotionally broken, and though I intellectually knew better, I had such a hard time putting a stop to physical intimacy when I first started dating.  I was desperate for attention and approval, and couldn't find the strength to keep myself out of questionable circumstances.  And then, when things got a little too intense, I couldn't find the strength to put a stop to it.  Was I ever forced, or am I claiming any kind of coercion?  No, certainly not! This is just the circumstances of two hormonal people coming together and I wasn't in an emotionally healthy enough headspace to keep myself out of trouble. I blame no one.  

After the first time, I spent a whole day crying, devastated that I'd been weak and violated my temple covenants.  The day after that, I took myself into my bishop (similar to a local pastor), and told him what had happened.  There was a membership council that followed, which I voluntarily attended, where the bishop and I, and his counselors, sat down and discussed what the repentance process would be.  It's pretty standard, nothing unusual happened in that meeting that hasn't happened to thousands of other people who are seeking to get themselves back on a religious path.  They asked questions about my mindset, and I told them about my life and my circumstances.  They encouraged me in my spirituality with kindness and understanding.  I was also asked to stop taking the sacrament for a time period, and lost my access to attending the temple. It could be regarded as a punishment, and I went through times where I felt that it was, but after nearly a year, I appreciate the opportunity to just go through a lot of emotional and spiritual healing to be ready to take on those religious commitments and responsibilities again.  It's a rest period for reflection and contemplation, to reassess priorities and take time to commune with Heavenly Father in prayer and study.  It was difficult in the beginning.  I was still an emotional mess, still didn't know how to have healthy relationships, and had a hard time giving up attention from men who prioritized intimacy over other considerations.  I wound up going through a second membership council, and probably risked just outright being excommunicated a third time.  But I just kept putting one foot in front of another, kept trying amidst my heartbreak and tears and eventually got myself back on solid spiritual ground. I worked too hard, spent too many hours in quiet thought, shed too many tears, have felt the grace and reassurance of the Spirit, to ever go back to that place that I was in a year ago.  My time to resume taking the sacrament and attending the temple again is just a few months away, and I am excitedly looking forward to being in the temple again, that beautiful place of refuge, contemplation, and spiritual joy and comfort.

For those of you who are not members of my same church, perhaps this will seem religiously repressive or unreasonable.  I am not looking for you to rescue me from sexual repression or anything of that nature, or to save me from my beliefs.  Quite the opposite.  I am asking and EXPECTING you to respect and support my personal beliefs if you want to be a part of my life.  I respect your agency, your free will, to choose what you want to believe and follow, and I want the same from you.  But I am looking for marriage, not casual hookups, and I don't want to waste your time any more than I want you to waste my time.  I am looking for someone to spend the rest of my life, and into eternity, with and I am not bending on this issue.  

It is my intention to pick ONE person, just ONE, out of so many potentials.  It is a sobering thought.  There are so many situations in life when kindness, tolerance, and understanding are called for.  And certainly, those will be required in marriage by both people.  I have interacted with men who I have affection for, sympathy, some degree of connection and friendship, but I have walked away or mostly been ghosted over this issue of intimacy.  Yet I am empathetic by nature, and I have sympathy for the physical frustration they feel, even the emotional damage created by this issue in failed marriages.  There have been a few I have spoken with or dated, and I am inclined to believe them, that had marriages where intimacy was nearly non-existent and withheld from them for years. It blows my mind. That isn't okay.  Couples should have healthy emotional and intimate lives. 

Speaking of which, let me just clear up any misconceptions about intimacy.  And I will try to do it in as respectful a manner as I can, but I will also be bold and not mince words.  There is nothing inherently dirty or tainting about sex.  Having sex with your spouse does not make you spiritually tainted, though I have had a few men tell me that's how their wives felt.  And there may be a few men who are genuinely squeamish about sex.  Sex is wonderful and healthy in a marriage relationship.  In my opinion, it should be frequent and enjoyed by both partners.  But men and women generally function from a different place. Typically, a man's libido is constant and largely physically motivated, though he certainly has a sexual psychology and is capable of deep emotional connection.  A woman's libido is largely activated by what is going on in her head.  The better she feels about herself, and the safer she feels in her relationship with her partner, the higher and more active her libido.  In a relationship, men have sex in order to feel connected, women have sex when they feel connected.  There are advantages and disadvantages to each way of functioning.  Appreciate the advantages, focus less on the disadvantages.  I think it's great to have a partner that is pretty much ready all the time (i.e. men), and it's great to have a partner who is motivated by connection (i.e. women).  These are generalities, and certainly there is a huge amount of difference between people, regardless of gender.  But, sex in marriage is fundamentally good.

But even more than agreement on the issue of physical intimacy, I need agreement on two more things - emotional responsibility and religious compatibility.  I lived in an emotionally destructive marriage, and I refuse to live in one again.  I am still trying to understand the line where my emotional responsibility ends and my partner's begins.  I used to think that I needed someone to come into my life to fix what other men broke.  But I have changed my mind, my attitude has shifted.  Whatever emotional damage I have sustained, whatever my mental health is, it may have been negatively impacted by other people, but it can only be repaired if I take charge of it.  I can't lay that burden on any other person's shoulders.  Should I seek help?  Yes, absolutely!  Don't try to do this thing called life all on your own.  There are so many tools and information available.  Take advantage of them!  And perhaps most of all, lean on the grace, influence, and understanding of your Savior and Heavenly Father.  What I need from a partner is encouragement and support, but not to assume the responsibility for my emotional and mental health.  I have to take the reins on that.  Plus, I need a partner who will not actively seek to damage me.  Yes, we all say or do something stupid every now and then.  But it's the ability to recognize that and be willing to take accountability that will make the difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship. I want that, and I am committed to giving that as well. Good, quality communication is so important.  I am a very willing communicator.  Deep conversation is my thing, and I don't shy away from topics.  What I do shy away from is becoming the scapegoat.  That will make me shut down.  Let's solve problems and not assign blame.

I have seen good men out there, and while I fully understand who they are, sons of God no matter what choices and circumstances they are in, and many are deserving of good, healthy love, I can only pick one.  So, on the issue of choosing a partner for life and beyond, I am going to be selective.  I have lived a spiritual and religious life to one degree or another all my life.  I want someone who is committed to the same thing, of his own free will and choice and not just because he's tolerating it for my sake.  And I don't mean to be stuck-up or judgmental, but I want to be a spiritual team just as much as we are an emotional, financial, sexual, and parenting team.  My religious beliefs impact all aspects of my life, and I need someone to be on the same page as I am.

A little more about me - I am a caretaker and peacemaker by nature.  But I am also very introverted.  I need more alone time, quiet peaceful time than is probably average.  I don't like drama and conflict, but I love to laugh.  Tell me your silly dad jokes.  And boy do I miss touch! I didn't used to think Touch was a very strong love language for me, but the more distance I get from an emotionally unhealthy relationship, the healthier I am getting and I am anxious to be inside of an emotionally healthy marriage where touch can find full expression.  My strongest love language is Acts of Service, followed by Words of Affirmation and Touch, then by Quality Time, and hardly any of Gifts.  But I've decided that food is the Sixth love language.  Feed me, Seymour! (Little Shop of Horrors).  It doesn't do very good things for my waistline, but I can't deny that it pleases me. Buffet or potluck is my favorite, because I get to taste all the flavors. I'm not very picky about food, but I probably favor Mexican, Italian, Chinese, and diner comfort food.

I exercise about six days a week - swim laps three days, exercise rebounder (Jumpsport exercise trampoline on bungee cords) the other three days.  I have done short-distance triathlons in the past, and do a cumulative Ironman triathlon every January to kick off the new near.  I am really healthy in terms of heart rate and endurance, although with the stress of starting a storefront business and the dating mess, I gained about 30 pounds which I am working on losing right now because my clothes don't fit and my joints are yelling at me.  My 17yr son and I also take Brazilian jiu-jitsu classes.  I have been doing that for nearly a year now.  My favorite hobby is making handmade greeting cards and I have an unholy amount of craft supplies and tools, especially since I ran a craft store for a year.  I recently closed down my store, and am job-hunting again.  I have five children, two grown and three teenagers, plus a wonderful daughter-in-law. 

I'm kind of scared about figuring out how to parent with someone new.  I want someone emotionally healthy around my kids, but I'm a little worried about being able to offer all the good things in return.  I'm kinda boring when it comes to being in charge of fun, but I'm pretty good at trying to create an emotionally healthy atmosphere. My three youngest children are varying degrees of high-functioning autistic, in my youngest it is obvious, and very subtle with the other two teenagers. It's unfamiliar ground for some people, but I we'll just take it one day at a time.  First, figure out if you and I are compatible, then other things will follow.

Distance is definitely an issue.  Finding someone who has the same beliefs as I do locally where I live has proved difficult, and nearly all my dating has been long-distance, getting to know people by texts and messages, then video calls, then finally driving to meet in person if it feels like a good match.  What the future holds, I don't know.  I'm enough of a dreamer to think love can come from a great distance, in circumstances I could not have anticipated.  But I have let go of my own expectations of the right timeline for when my partner will finally enter my life, and turned that over to my Heavenly Father.  I will do my part, keep searching and keep growing, and trust in His plan for my life.

I am not too picky about looks.  Short, tall, gym bod, dad bod, don't need charm or lots of money, I just need someone I can love in a healthy way and grow with.   

That's it.  I will add to or edit this as needed, but I am launching this essay and hope it both weeds out the nonsense and attracts someone who I am truly compatible with.